I left the planet on a blue beam of light. Looking out at the world, I felt weightless and playful. I even propped my head up on my hand as if laying on sand at the beach and admiring the vastness of the ocean. But I was told to go back, so I began following a pink light beam back down and toward my future self- 20 years from now. She would be turning 49.
I swirled around into the green countryside somewhere- probably in Europe. I was surrounded by vineyards and lived in a stone house with some red geraniums and other wild flowers marking the entrance. The dwelling looked old but well taken care of. I approached the door and knocked. A tan, strong, and relaxed looking woman answered the door. She did not look like me but she was supposed to be me.
"Is he here?" I asked strait away, fearing that I'd have no future husband. For some reason I needed to know before introductions.
"Nope." She had a trowel in her hand, a loose grey shirt and kaki green shorts. Her demeanor was so relaxed it was almost dismissive.
She led me inside past some of the rooms of her stylish house. Teals and rusted, vintage furniture sat in the sparse but well lit rooms. There was lots of physical space and little to clutter it up. We made it to the sitting room with large beautiful windows that looked out into the vineyard.
"How do I get to where you are now?" I asked. She leaned forward and gently placed her hands on my shoulders.
"You have to go your own way. You have to let go." She gave me a kiss on the forhead and really intended to comfort me. But I just felt so confused.
I looked out the french doors into layers and layers of green hills. "Are you off the grid, here?" I always pictured myself in New York City, or some other bustling place where I could always meet people with ease and as often as I liked. Instead, my future self was sitting in a stone house in the middle of no where... alone.
She nodded and laughed a little, leaning back into the chair with her ankle crossed over her knee. I can't say she looked happy because she was so confident that it was beyond happiness. It was knowing.
"What do people call you by? What special name do you go by now?" I wondered.
"I have no name." Her lip curled and she half laughed as she and waved made the slightest of waves with her wrist.
I felt feeble and feminine and small, and this woman felt sturdy, masculine, and secure. "Why don't you look like me?" I asked, desperate for some clarity. Bodies change but faces tend to stay somewhat the same. My future self shared no resemblence.
"You're right. I don't look like you. But all of this is you. You will be strong, you will be at peace, you do want space and... no name. I am your future self." She leaned forward with assurance, but I was disappointed.
It was time to leave so I said my gratitude and stood to go.
I followed my blue beam back into space and then found a white light beam to take me to the present. Coming back into my body, I found that I did not have any answers but rather a call to action. I must let go. Everything I envisioned for myself till now could possibly be wrong. Or maybe I need to focus on not envisioning a place, a look, and name, but rather a feeling, and the rest will take care of itself.
I have to let go. But I don't know how to just yet.