Who are you?

When you want something, it's pretty simple, you just have to ask. Now, don't get me wrong. You will not always get exactly what you want, but (cue the Rolling Stones) you might get what you need.

Oh poo to this! I just want what I want, darnit!

So, I keep asking because I'm getting the same answer... but not the one I want. The one I want is the one where it feels magical and easy, or at least achievable in some capacity. But instead it is all discomfort, heartache, and fear. Honestly, I'm very scared of doing exactly what I want to do because of the following:

  • Can I make a living doing it? If I can't, where will I go? Will my parents have to take care of their loser daughter?
  • Am I even good enough to do it?
  • Is it worth doing? Will it help anyone beyond making me happy?
  • Will I be happy if I do this?

Ahhh! The small Andrea inside screams and she knows that she can't answer those questions. No one can. I think the outcome doesn't really matter, but at the same time it does. We can't control the outcome, we just have to be responsible of your actions, which we can translate to "ready and able to respond." Hey! It doesn't sound so scary when you break it down like that. You just have to accept that life will change, and that you must dance with it as it does so.

But change is so harrrrd. <--- Small Andrea again.

I listen... to nature, to people's stories, to books I come across, and to that little hollow place inside where my true voice speaks from. It's time to be real, it whispers. It's time to not hold back or be ashamed of who you are. But I'm laughing at this point because I wave my head around and yell out into the open skies, "But who the fuck am I?"

You see, I've been living for so long, trying to please other people, that I don't even know who I am anymore. All I have are little alarms that go beep beep! when I get off track, but I don't have the signage to guide me and keep me on the rails. I'm figuring out what these signs might look or feel like. They are subtle and usually come from my body, which I've ignored since I can remember.

I think a lot of us can relate to this by the way. How many times are we bombarded with ads for products that help us suppress our feelings? You know, those gut feelings that make you feel like you're floating into your chest cavity, the choking in your throat, the never-able-to-catch-your-breath moments. Often times I down a coffee or inhale a chocolate bar, maybe even sleep in an extra hour, just so I don't have to feel the disconnection. This is because I never recognized the feelings as my internal knowledge. I had no idea it was me.

I'm learning. That gut feeling is usually fear. The choking is when my words aren't truthful or need to be reconciled. The slight of breath is anxiety, emotion, and a lack of boundaries. The next step in my journey is learning to love and enjoy these feelings, appreciating them for the beautiful alerts they are. Without them I really am lost. And the alarms aren't so fun. The alarms take the form of sickness, irritability, depression, and self hatred.

Some ways I listen:

  • Meditation and Prayer, because God always listens and speaks in the stillness.
  • Yoga, because it introduces breath, movement, and a conversation with the body, mind, and spirit.
  • Tarot because I'm a visual person and stories move me, so using images to help me understand my story is extreemely effective (and fun!).
  • Tea and tinctures. The earth can heal you in so many ways, and ritual allows you to slow down, listen, and let yourself heal.
  • Therapy. A trained and loving guide can make a world of difference.

I admit, I read so much on this subject, and I'm amazed by people who take chances and live their story. I'm a little obsessed, to be honest. But every time I hear of someone climbing a mountain, going on a 5 month hike alone, traveling around and couch surfing, quitting their job to work on a book, I get closer and closer to my truth. I have one body. One lifetime as Annie to do the things that bring me joy. All I have to do is follow the signs and ask.

It's weird, because it doesn't feel like I'm doing it right. And maybe I'm not.

But I'm trying and I think that counts.