Venturing out as a freelance artist ain't what I thought it would be.

This was me the last couple weeks.  Very very emotional.  Part of it was the rain, part of it a really dark attitude, part of it were circumstances that I let bring me down.

I knew it was bad when I couldn't even respond to my dear mom.  All I felt was heavy heavy numb sad.

Life happens.  You have it in your mind that you can build something, that you can start your own business and be an artist.  But it is difficult.  Of course, I know it's worth it and it's all I've ever really wanted to do.  But I'll be honest, there have been a lot of things to heal.  I didn't think my ego was holding on so hard.  I didn't think that loosing a job and moving back home would sting like it did.  At first, in fact, I was excited!

So here's what I've learned so far....

If you're starting something new, expect to fail.

This is because you will have to learn new skills, and no one is perfect at anything the first time.  Sending out contracts, doing follow up calls, creating expense sheets, and all of that stuff still seems like a bit of a chaotic force that I'm just keeping contained in a dropbox file.  I feel like I'm doing it all wrong, but I still enter in the numbers and at least I know it's all there.

Here's a good list of business logistics to check out.  Some of it seems intimidating, but most of it is pretty strait forward, especially since google is on your side.  I know the pieces that I've stuck together has helped form a decent work flow and business model.  It's still evolving!

Be ok with not selling anything or not landing any jobs at first.  Keep working on the projects you love anyway.  Things take time.  And that's perfectly ok.  I've been lucky and had some contacts to work with, although I'm not making enough to live on my own yet.  But my student loans are dwindling at a faster rate than before.

Find ways to stop comparing and instead value yourself.

I might be the queen of comparing, and overworking myself into the ground to get to this imagined "ideal place".  But it's not sustainable and it's not fun.  It leads to depression and resentment.  I realize that I need to be ok with how things are right now.  I'm still working on this, but when my perspective shifts it was like a light turns back on.

I suggest you go to the gym, go for a walk, make yourself some tea and sip it with reverence.  Write poetry, watch some comedy, and hug the people you love.  Take care of yourself and get yourself back into your body.  This has all helped me immensely.  It allows me to feel taken care of so that I can continue to make work.

Make a plan for yourself that you're excited about and then...get excited!

Tony Robbins taught me this.  He asks everyone to clap and dance, and moan as if they're in ecstasy.  I laugh every time, but yes, I do this in my room when I listen to his recordings.  It's wild, but we really have access to all of the good emotions and we can choose to engage with them.  We just shut ourselves off from them, or think that the outer world contains the key.  But we are the key, damnit!  Turn it and go inside.  

It may feel weird, but after you get your plan in order, dance around and jump up and down.  Exclaim aloud, "yesssssss!!!!  I'm gonna do this!!!"

As far as a plan goes, I find my intention to create and complete is most important.  Setting aside time in my day is really helpful, but the more I'm excited about it, the more it gets done with gusto and in a timely fashion.  So plan however you please, but do it with intention.

Connect with others like you.

I like watching videos from illustrator/youtubers like Jess and Frannard.  They remind me how much I love art, illustration, and expression.  They also have lots of great messages to artists to inspire and encourage them.  This is because they're honest and share their story.  One of my favorite things.  

I also meet up with other artists and sketch together over coffee.  Or I skype a friend.  It all helps so much, and it never fails that I leave feeling inspired and amped.  Heck yessssss! *kicks and karate chops*

Share your experience.

I'd love to hear from you about your road less traveled.  And I think sharing on your blog, or in person with friends and family can be a major factor in healing.  We can truly lift each other up.  Like my parents and friends do for me every day.  Thank you Mom and Dad!

Happy New Year fancy pants people!

Happy new year wonderful people! I love taking time to let my inner child and knowing self really speak. Art is an amazing way to do this! I'm sharing a small project with you where you create your own oracle card for the year. No rules, no need to be Rembrandt.

Rather than new years resolutions, I like to realign myself. Check in. Re-adjust. We're all perfect as we are, we just tend to get a little off from our preferred center points. Sometimes way off, but that's ok. Here's a little exercise that I did to welcome my hopes for the new year. It's more right brained than a resolution and it doesn't take much time or resources. Just an intention. It gives you room to breath and discover the message throughout the year.

Check out the video above for a walk through of the project. Please post your cards and share your beautiful artwork below, or via email! I'd love to see what your soulsays, and your spirit will definitely inspire everyone elses. Believe you me!

If you want a little hand-drawn template of an oracle card, download it here

Here's what came out of me.  I used the loosest mediums I could: oil pastel, pencil, watercolor.  The goal is to NOT make it look good, but rather, make it FEEL good.

Sending you lots of warm wishes and here's to a KICK ASS year.

Annie

Retreat

I recommend retreats.  I recommend space and time for anyone to be with themselves.  I got back from a stint in France where I did a lot of that.  Less art and more walks.  Less social and more solo.  It was a wonderful trip, but at the same time...  There were lots of walks to the local church to pray.  Lots of looking around and wondering what I should do when I go back.  On the plane ride home I started to write about everything in my heart.  I didn't stop writing from about 4 hours.

Toward the end of the trip I had learned some things, some of which I plan to put into a book or something of the sort.  I relished those morning walks the most, for they gave me those lessons.  I drank them in, knowing the walks would soon end.  Going back is always bittersweet.  You're usually going home to people and places you love dearly.  This time around I was returning to my childhood home, no job, clean slate.  It felt different from my other return flights while traveling.  I was so excited to go back to a home that had been a part of my heart for so long, but when I got back....I realized there was a new person who was trying to fit in her old bedroom.  There were new desires and new ways of operating around people.   Something didn't match.

What do I want to create?

Who is this new woman and what does she need?

I walked by this sign every day.  It's magical to me.

We always think we're more solid than we are, don't we?  We always think that being stoic and non-responsive to life changes is being "strong".  

It's different this time, but it's also the same.  Old patterns are hard to break, but I'm much more aware of them than I ever was before.  Curious, even.  I have several practices for this time in my life, but one of them is to recall a quote that's helped carry me in the past:

"To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." -Mary Oliver

I will do this.  I will do this forever! ;)

Warmth and light,

Annie

Autumn's Voice

I was clicking around online, researching rituals for Autumn. I'm big into rituals these days. As someone who needs to remember how to create more space and pause, rituals offer a meditative activity and bring me back to center. And I'm often teetering off center, folks. I figured there had to be an event in the Bay area for the Autumn Equinox, so I looked on Eventbrite, Meetup, etc.

There was, but not as many as you'd think. In fact, I only found one real celebration of Mabon (the ancient Harvest Festival) and it was a small group of people gathering via meetup.com in the outer Richmond district in San Francisco. Long story short, the event was wonderful, the people were kind and so warm. We had a very special circle that night and made way for this season of gratitude and loss. We danced, shared stories, then parted ways.

The delicate rituals insisted I think about how I want to approach this season, and with all the changes in my job and living situation lately, it was quite meaningful. I was up early this morning, having slept only 5 hours, refreshed but still very contemplative (not a bad thing, I think!)

I thought back to my yoga teacher training this last Summer, and a few concepts floated to the top. Autumn's voice was loud and clear. I can see her message in the leaves, in my garden, in my heart, and in the collective yearnings. Apadigraha, she says. Saucha, she insists. Santosha, she states.

Santosha is...

"Being content with what is". I feel like this Niyama is the true practice of gratefulness. To look around you and be satisfied, in fact, even ecstatic, is a rich way to live. The earth gives us everything. Food, resources, shelter, water, beauty... and the planet is not really asking anything of us. We're the one's who made money. But the earth don't care. She gives and nourishes. And especially this time of year, we can literally see the gold around us. The abundance of apples, berries, squash, nuts.

Apadigraha

My favorite Yama, although I feel like of dirty saying that in front of the other Yamas. Apadigraha means, "Non- grasping". I was thinking about the bold autumn leaves that are starting to fall- these dead things that the trees don't need anymore. they release them into the wind and they compost back to the earth. During this season, I am deeply reminded that I have lots to let go of and that it inevitable for growth. The leaves comfort me when I feel uneasy about this process, because I turn my attention to spring, when new, supple leaves grow, and I see the beauty in this death because it is followed by rebirth.

Saucha

Another Niyama meaning, "Purity". Autumn is a cleansing season. No doubt about this. When you let go and focus on the abundance you have around you, you make space for light matter, pure matter, things that fill up your soul. I like the practice of Saucha, most of all, although all the darn pumpkin bread and PSLs are making my cry inside a bit right now. They hurt so good. Still, physically clearing my studio and creative space has made a big impact on how I feel when I work/paint. And physically clearing my body is bringing clarity to my mind. Meditation tops them all in my book, and all three have made it into my morning routine for the past month.

I'm letting some leaves go- it's time. I invite you to do the same. One ritual we did for Mabon was to write something we want to release onto a leaf. We then flung it into the wind!

I wish you all a wonderful Autumn! Peace.

Annie